Nona is still alive (at almost 3 weeks!) Her parents were able to take her home from the hospital which is amazing news. She has a feeding tube which is giving her a lot of trouble, but she is doing okay. We don't know what the future will hold or how long she will be with us, but every single day is a gift.
This is how my sister announced her birth on Facebook. They both love Chaco's and my brother in law made Nona a tiny pair so she could match her parents.
Thank you so much for your prayers over the past few weeks. I have felt them. When we last spoke I mentioned how angry I was. I've never done this, but I turned all the lights off in my bathroom and just yelled at God. How unfair this whole thing was. How ridiculous this life is. Why he would make us go through this? Why would he do this to my sister? And on and on.
I didn't feel comfort at all. Just anger and pain. This went on for a few days.
I came to work later that week and my wonderful grad student, Kevin had put some flowers in my office and left me a beautiful note. On the note he put this quote from Lord of the Rings (there is your media moment for today!)
Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
For the first time, I allowed my heart to be softened. I went to a meeting with my head of department who also has been through very difficult times. He gave me some excellent advice. I went back to my office to pray and instead of yelling, asked for comfort, inspiration, and to accept God's will.
I then went to a faculty meeting. My mind began to wander and I thought of my biggest idea yet for a research study. An idea that is still taking shape, but one that I think will be the best thing I have done professionally.
An idea for a research study is not what I asked for. But I think that God gives us strength and inspiration in many different contexts when we go through hard times. I think this idea was an answer to a prayer and the kind of research HE wants me doing right now. It's an insane feeling, one I haven't really had before in a professional context. But I feel compelled to do this (I can't tell you what it is yet, but I think it's going to be amazing!)
I went home that night, a little confused, but feeling very inspired and loved. I prayed again for comfort which I still hadn't received. Instead I got the strong prompting to go the temple. I went the next morning and when I walked in the door I was prompted to do sealings. I thought this was weird because I usually go with Paul but decided to follow the Spirit.
While in the sealing room, the Spirit was stronger than I had ever felt it. I was able to act as a proxy for daughter after daughter after daughter who was being sealed to her parents. I looked in the mirrors that reflect each other and truly felt I could feel eternity. I weeped as the spirit bore testimony to me that once again, families are forever. This life is NOT the end. And importantly, this was God's will and my sister and her family were going to be okay. It was going to be harder than anything they have ever been through....but we were going to come out stronger than before. I was given visions of eternity that feel too sacred for me to share here. I have never felt the Spirit so strong or felt so loved in my entire life as in that moment.
Since then, I have been on somewhat of a spiritual high. Things are still hard. I still get angry and sad from time to time. But I feel like God has such a bigger plan for us all, one that I cannot even begin to comprehend. He loves us so much. We signed up for this life, even knowing just how difficult it can be. I have such a strong testimony of these facts, and I'm sure I will be holding tightly on to them in the future. Thanks again for your love and prayers.
